"Mommy get into the cart, I will push you"

4-19-15

This morning I awoke feeling quite positive; Positive that I didn't have to run to the gym (Crossfit times are over), I didn't have to run to work (it's Sunday) and I had nothing on schedule until 12. So I laid in bed and and drank my coffee while enjoying a healthy breakfast. Later I found myself with a burst of energy and drive to get things down around the house , as my pain was at a low level, and while I still can, I might as well fold some laundry and organize. My husband turns to me and says "you're feeling good today". I tell him my pain has its ups and downs, and while it is at a low level I am going to take advantage. It's funny, how sometimes the pain almost disappears completely, and I almost convince myself in those moments that I'm healed. Like some crazy miracle happened and I really don't have dysplasia. And then just like that the pain returns with a vengeance.
My husband tells me to lay down and plan my days better. Like set things to do in increments. This feels helpful and upsetting at the same time. I know I have to do that, but I want so badly to feel normal again.  These small moments of limited pain, make me feel like I've suddenly grown a pair of wings, and all I want to do is fly.

Later that day...

After laying down a bit, I jump at the earliest moment of feeling the slightest bit better, because I realize it is Sunday, and it's my only day to run errands. I want to enjoy my life and get as much done as possible. And so I head off to target with my oldest and youngest child (9 yr old twins are at a sleepover). At first I am cruising along in some pain, but it is manageable. I know that my window of this level of pain is limited and I need to make the most of it, but at the same time I am a chronically slow shopper. I have this need to look at absolutely everything and then stand there analyzing how I would maybe put whatever item to use before dismissing it as unnecessary. And so, my pain gets to the point towards the end of our spree where it is unmanageable. My kids are acting loud and playful with each other and I tell them I need them to quiet down, because my leg is really hurting and I need to concentrate. I'm leaning over the cart trying not to throw up, because when the pain is this bad, I get extremely nauseous. My 7 yr old doesn't really get it (thankfully), and while my 12 yr old does not know the extent of my issue, she does know that I have a hurt leg and can't walk that much anymore. She tells me "mommy get into the cart and I will push you". I tell her " if daddy were here I probably would" I don't want to tell her how badly I'm feeling, but I can't help but share a bit of it in saying this. She tells me she's serious and I should get into the cart. This is so touching to me, and I am so thankful for having such an amazing daughter with such a good heart, but as much I would love to sit down, I can not make a scene like that, and will not have my daughter see me that crippled. So I lean on the cart for as much support as possible and finish up.
 Driving by the park on the way back home, I feel myself becoming engulfed in self pity and sorrow thinking about that part of my life being over. Going to the park and running around with the kids, showing off all proudly that I can do the monkey bars again (go CrossFIt), and just being plain normal, is all over. I catch myself quickly and remind myself not to go there. That path only leads to more sorrow and pain, and will not service me in any positive way. So instead I remind myself to take the good with the bad, to relish in the times where the pain is a lot more manageable, get things accomplished then, and know that when the pain returns with a vengeance, that is only my reminder of all the lessons this hip has taught me, and know that now is just my time to rest and enjoy my amazing and beautiful children and the incredible life my husband and I have built together. Sloooow down and breathe. Just breathe...